How important is oral sex in a relationship and could the absence of it be a dealbreaker.
To imagine any sexual encounter without oral sex being part of the act, is quite, well…unimaginable. Whether it’s part of foreplay or the only act, I have always considered it a very important aspect.
We are all of course, very different in our sexual taste, appetite and desire and just because you don’t enjoy giving a blowjob, it doesn’t mean you don’t like or want sex.
Robert had just started a new relationship. We all bring our unique thinking and ideas of how sexual encounters should develop, and after much sex over 2 months, he wondered if a blowjob was ever going to be on offer.
He had pleasured her orally and kept hoping at some point she would reciprocate, but she never did, and he didn’t feel comfortable to ask.
Everyone has ‘bases’ for want of a better word. So kissing might be a first base, second base could be fondling over clothes, hand on crotch/breasts/bum, third base would include fingering and oral play, and the final base would be ‘all the way.’ Thereafter Pandora’s box can be opened for all the other delights to be explored.
This is fairly standard thinking, but there is no hard and fast rule. It varies depending on the couple and where the relationship is going.
But why then is oral sex so often withheld and revered as a sacred thing?
Is it because a blowjob is considered the ultimate act of intimacy, more intimate than kissing and reserved for when a couple are very comfortable with each other and emotionally connected? Apparently not.
Most women admit they don’t think it’s that big a deal…
even though the majority didn’t go down this road for quite a while, and when they did, it was out of obligation rather than want.
And men… well I have never met a man…ever, who has said
‘Ooh no I’m not keen on blowjobs, a woman with her mouth around my cock, not really my thing.’
I’m not suggesting there aren’t men out there who don’t like oral sex, I’m just saying I haven’t met them.
So what is it then?
For many women it’s simply not something they really enjoy, and if it can be avoided, avoid it they will. Other women they don’t feel confident enough to go there, they haven’t had much experience, don’t want to be fumbling about feeling inadequate, not to mention the gag panic, so would rather let sleeping cocks lie.
And then there are women who prefer the man to take the lead, so at third base (fingering and oral play) they hang back not wanting to look too available, or too keen. Urban dictionary calls it being a hoe -‘let any old colour pencil into their sharpener.’
I come back to my earlier point…I have never met a man who didn’t enjoy a blowjob, even a bad one.
Ja ja, there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob!
So let’s reverse this for a moment. How many men at base 3 have gone down on women?
Men are performing less oral sex, but are twice as likely to enjoy it, when they do. So why don’t men go there?
Same reasons really. Men don’t like to be too forward either.
It’s not that easy satisfying a woman this way, and if they lack confidence in this area, a man would rather not go there, than perform poorly and not get her over the finish line.
There is no hard or fast rule on how to explore a new partner sexually, but since I posed the question, to fellate or not, here’s my ten cents worth.
When things are new and you are just starting out, oral sex can be used as a means to a beginning, rather than an end.
It may not be ‘your thing’ but gently exploring his cock with your mouth is always going to work.
The feeling of your soft moist lips around his cock, even if you aren’t too confident, shows you are keen to go there and in so doing, keen to learn even if you aren’t that skilled.
There’s no need to go hell for leather and bring him to climax, but firmly enveloping his cock with your mouth, sliding it in and out, will certainly show intent and get the ball rolling.
Men also get intimidated and suffer from performance anxiety so cajoling the cock is fun, and feeling it grow in your mouth equally satisfying.
And gents, same goes. She doesn’t have to reach a climax, use your mouth and tongue to play and turn her on.
Learning a new body language is fun; strive for progress, perfection will come.
Research shows that many women perform oral sex because they feel they should, and will give a blowjob because they delight in pleasing their man, even if it does nothing for them.
Our minds play a huge role in our enjoyment of what we do. If we tell ourselves that giving a blowjob is gross, it probably will be.
I really don’t enjoy the taste of fried, boiled or poached egg. I find the consistency of yolk and albumen quite disgusting and no amount of telling myself that it’s delicious is going to make me enjoy eating egg. So I get that for many women, fellatio just doesn’t work for them, I have to concede this fact.
But let’s be fair, if while I was eating egg, someone was oohing, aahing and arching with delight, I might well be inclined to watch them enjoy me eating, and take much pleasure in this. Both parties get something out of it.
Julius is now in a committed relationship with a woman who makes him very happy. When the relationship began, she told him, she didn’t like giving blowjobs and was pretty useless at it. Apparently she really wasn’t great. He panicked just a little, because for him oral sex, both ways, was very important, and he admitted, as shallow as it sounds, this could well be the end of the relationship with a woman he really liked. But it was early days, most other boxes were ticked, so he decided to persevere.
They explored together, laughed a lot, she gagged a lot, and now she is quite expert at deep throat and genuinely loves sucking his cock. In hindsight it was brilliant sexual bonding for them. She had been told by another lover, that she was no good at oral sex and over time, became less confident and eventually stopped all together because she didn’t like being told she was no good, and was never with someone with whom she felt safe enough to explore.
I really believe it should be part of the sex lexicon – the sexicon – in a relationship, but so often becomes the elephant in the bed.
It comes down to communication.
If you like the person, talk to them. S/he is perhaps just as unsure as you are, and talking about it can be quite the turn on and become fun foreplay … the promise of where you want to take the relationship. I have coached many women who truly did not enjoy oral sex, but have learnt to love it, so don’t give yourself limitations.
Starting a new relationship is a very exhilarating time. There can be only one first time, and hopefully something you will look back on with great fondness.
It’s certainly all about our own boundaries and headspaces. There are women who have had anal sex before vaginal sex, because they are saving themselves for ‘the one’ or marriage, and I say, each to their own.
It’s important to know what floats your boat and your partners boat.
And what about relationships that are not so new?
Oral sex may have been part of the sexicon initially, but as the years have gone by, fellatio has gone by too. Everyone put their best oral forward, didn’t love it so much and just stopped doing it?
Are you sure your partner doesn’t miss it or still yearn for it?
Sharné used to indulge her partner with a blowjob every now and then, which became every now and never. Even at the time, she didn’t enjoy it and now that they have been married for 13 years and have 2 children, it’s just not a thing. Grant, her husband, loves oral sex both ways, but has stopped asking because Sharné always pulls a gross face.
It’s about what makes sex fulfilling for both partners. And sure Sharné never found it fulfilling in the first place, but the pleasure Grant got from it should mean something.
You may discover you both enjoy things you hadn’t even thought of – keep an open mind and be brave in honesty and exploration. No matter how new or old your relationship.
Thanks for this.