Watching your partner flirt with others can feel like a betrayal.But could it be a catalyst for spicing up your own relationship? |
I recently attended a black tie event – elegant couples in evening wear, food and drink flowed, and the space buzzed with lively conversations.
My partner got chatting with an iridescent woman, who was clearly flirting with him, and he was indeed flirting right back.
Three friends came to me and asked if I was okay with what was going on, and honestly I really was, in fact I found it all quite delightful and rather sexy.
But it got me thinking.
Societal norm dictates that once a couple are in a committed partnership/marriage flirting with others is a no no.
And I get it, you are in an exclusive relationship, which has specific parameters and boundaries.
If this is a new relationship, it’s important to clearly establish what you and your partner’s boundaries of exclusivity are, and allow loyalty and trust to grow. Without these firmly in place, flirting can trigger a host of insecurities – jealousy, inadequacy and the fear of losing your partners affection.
Where do you draw the line and what constitutes overstepping the line – it varies for each couple.
Flirting can be seen as a violation of this exclusivity, signaling you have one foot out the door and are looking about for options.
Generational education around relationships teaches us that flirting outside of the partnership, threatens this bond. These old nuggets of advice also teach us that, ‘men should earn more money than women’ and ‘women don’t like sex’ amongst other dangerous distortions.
Your emotional and physical attention should only be on your… one and only.
But how realistic is that?
My partner and I often point out a person whom we think the other would find sexy, it’s acknowledged and communicated – we know each other’s types. Because while we all like to think we are the sexiest one in the room, we don’t as humans, develop blindness to all others around us the moment we are in a committed relationship.
No one is suggesting flirting is a call to action, and there is a difference between flirting with someone and fancying someone. Again boundaries you and your partner need to establish.
Flirting is far more playful and casual, while fancying usually comes with intent.
Playful banter and teasing with eye contact and compliments, serves to affirm self-esteem and confidence ( and no, I don’t believe your partner should be the only person to make you feel this way, everybody likes and needs a good compliment and an ego boost.)
No one is denying that flirting can be dangerous and lead to a wish for more, especially if it is concealed from your partner. If the meaning you give to your partner is duplicity and that flirting with another means you are less attracted to them, then it can lead to feelings of betrayal and jealousy and undermine the relationship.
But if flirting is viewed as outside stimulation bringing a spark of excitement to your own relationship, then I say bring it on. Over time a partnership often becomes monotonous, and respectful flirtation can ignite a missing spark, increase affection and strengthen rather than weaken the bond between couples.
Why is it wrong that someone else sees your partner as sexy and vivacious. It’s affirmation for both of you – that’s the person you get to go home with!
Flirtation means you are sensually alive, while still being faithful to your partner, so feed that energy back to your relationship, and allow it to contribute to a healthier and more effervescent partnership.
It also shows you trust your partner. I can hear the naysayers and sceptics and those who have been burnt and deeply hurt – it’s a gateway to infidelity – and yes it could be; just like having a glass of wine is a gateway to becoming an alcoholic. For some, of quite specific predisposition, it may be, but for most it’s merely an enjoyable delight.
Watching my partner looking so animated and empowered on the Uber home, while I teased him about the gorgeous woman he chatted to all night, brought a sexy light spark between us; I didn’t feel threatened, and he didn’t feel undermined or judged for enjoying the attention; instead we both felt complimented.
It was also a reminder and an opportunity to flirt with each other, because let’s face it, as the years tick on, flirting with your partner is something that gets lost in the routine of domestic bliss.
The heady ‘honeymoon’ days are over, all the firsts have happened. But remembering and recreating those initial attractions and interests, help maintain a healthy and sexy relationship. Watching your partner or other couples flirt can help rekindle the spark in your relationship.
Keep it light, keep it safe, keep it playful and spread the good vibes back home.
