TEN TIPS TO REVITALISE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
It’s easy to get bogged down on the treadmill of life…work stress, money pressure, children…the list goes on; and finding quality time for a partner is usually the last thing on the endless list. We always believe that our relationships will take care of themselves, and a solid relationship can and does withstand the rollercoaster. But like anything, without keeping the machine oiled and maintenaned, things start to go wrong. We service our cars otherwise they will eventually breakdown…we need to service our relationships too.
10 Tips to Jump Start your Relationship
- Communicate: We can’t expect our partners to guess how we are feeling or what we are thinking. Sure over time we learn the signals our partners use to express annoyance, dissatisfaction or what rocks our boat, but signals are not enough. Find the right moment to bring up things you want to talk about. Don’t pick the middle of an argument, or when your partner is exhausted. Don’t attack, or be passive aggressive. Honest, sincere discussion at an appropriate time is the way to go. I have a friend who when his wife says ‘we need to talk’ books for a movie. Funny, but no…book for dinner.
- Listen: Talking is good, listening is equally as important. You can’t sincerely respond if you didn’t actually listen. We are often so eager to have our say, we don’t fully absorb what is being said. But it goes beyond this. If your partner comes home lamenting something that happened at work, engage with them. Don’t walk out the room, or change the subject. Be actively engaged and let your partner speak. It may well be tedious or feel like groundhog day, with the same issues being raised over and over again, but be the support your partner needs.
- Interest: We all have different hobbies or passions, and this is a good thing; but showing interest in what brings your partner joy is important. Bird watching or soccer may not be your thing, but actually engaging when your partner enthuses goes a long way to demonstrating what matters to your partner matters to you too.
- Compliment: How often do you actually notice your partner, and take a moment to say something positive. And it goes beyond ‘your hair looks lovely today dear.’ Everyday find one thing you like about your partner, and share it. It’s easy to find things wrong with a person you have lived with for 5, 10, 15 or more years, it’s the quirks that can begin to drive us mad. But if we spend our time picking away at everything we don’t like, we will stop seeing the things we do like. Glass half full or half empty?
- Honesty: It’s almost always the best policy. I know many will shoot me down for saying this, but there is honesty and what I call cruelty. Being honest and frank and open is good. Showing vulnerability in a relationship is crucial. Express your fears, your desires, your anxieties and know they will be received with the care they deserve. But I do believe somethings are best kept to yourself. It’s not about keeping secrets, everyone has secrets, that’s human nature; it’s about saying something that’s cruel and unnecessary that will do nothing but damage the relationship for no good reason at all.
- Laughter: We know it’s the best medicine but all too often we forget. Nothing like a good belly laugh to lift the mood. You say your partner isn’t funny, well find a comedy on Netflix to laugh together. Trust me, if you look you will always find something to chuckle at.
- Independence: Doing things as a couple is essential, but allowing your partner the freedom to do their own thing has proven to be imperative in a relationship. You don’t have to do everything together. You are an individual, you weren’t born a couple. Don’t throw away who you are and become a moulded inseparable onesie. I would even suggest you take a few days to yourself, go away, spend time with your thoughts, your friends, your hobbies and hit the reset button, without having to worry about what your partner needs.
- Appreciate: It only takes a moment to say thank you, but so often we take what our partner does for granted. It might be a long established fact that certain chores have been ‘allocated’ to each person; but that doesn’t mean you never need to acknowledge that it’s been done. Work on the little things and the bigger things will get smaller.
- Smile: It’s obvious yes, but we don’t do it enough. We can pile up the list of complaints and fire away…but stop… find something to smile about. If you radiate happiness your partner will feel it and it will spread to your family. Happiness will become a habit.
- Exercise: Yes get active. We know sitting is the new smoking. Walk around the block, walk in the garden, releasing endorphins enhances your mood and sense of wellbeing, this can only improve your attitude.
- And finally as a bonus no 11…Foreplay: No I don’t mean as a warm up to sex [yes sure, that’s got to be going on too] but as Esther Perel so perfectly puts it – ‘…look at foreplay as part of your entire relationship … Foreplay is a mood you live in, the way you look at yourself, and the way you feel about yourself in the presence of another. It’s about building anticipation, exploration, and curiosity.’
It takes a small amount of effort every day to keep a relationship buoyant and delightful. The same amount of effort it takes to make it unbearable and a drain. Make the choice, it’s a mindset.
