When the desire between couples is out of kilter.
Let’s face it, when the honeymoon phase in a relationship is over, sex can become a negotiation.
Some couples are lucky and don’t face sex drive mismatch, but the truth is, it is the most common complaint amongst couples.
Invariably there comes that time when one person is less keen, needs less sex less often or is downright not interested in sex at all. And the other person is left begging or having to settle for the odd reluctant maintenance shag.
Begging for sex is not sexy, for either party.
And being turned down all the time, can feel humiliating.
Am I getting too old and less of a turn on?
Sex is just not important to me anymore, am I only good for one thing?
Has weight change affected my attractiveness?
Has childbirth changed me, changed my body or he doesn’t want to have sex with the mother of his children?
Am I just not so exciting anymore? I mean sex with the same person week in and week out for years can certainly lead to boredom in the bedroom, which then turns to a lack of desire.
Maybe it’s nothing to do with me at all, but the constant financial/work/children pressures have left my partner without the energy to care or want sex anymore?
What’s wrong with me that I can no longer turn my partner on?
Is there someone else who is fulfilling this need?
Is it menopause or anti-depressants, which have wreaked havoc on our sex life?
In short when your sex life is out of kilter it can trigger every insecurity in the book, for everyone.
So who controls the sex in your relationship?
The answer may surprise you. If you have the higher libido, you might believe your partner who says no does.
And if you are the one struggling with little or no sexual enthusiasm, you might conclude your partner making the demands does.
But don’t panic there are solutions to fix what feels like a total impasse.
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Frame of Mind
We are not all in the same frame of mind all the time. And I don’t just mean of an evening or a weekend.
Many people go through 4 cyclical phases in a year, and as they move through these phases, energy and attitude change. Sometimes just waiting out a few months can reignite enthusiasm as your partner moves to a new stage
If this is a problem that has persisted for more than year, then waiting isn’t your solution.
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Work out what is causing this.
The problem may not be as simple as a sex drive mismatch. It’s the responsibility of both partners to collaborate and communicate; if there are other issues at play, talk about them. It’s not necessarily about you. Understanding what the other person is going through is just as important as your feelings of rejection or feeling like you are around for one thing and one thing only. There may be things that are hard to hear and things that are even harder to say, but without talking about it, there is simply no way forward. Take ownership of the problem, as a couple.
It could be one partner needs to feel passion just by being held or embraced. Some people need the slow build up, and that’s not foreplay in the moment, that’s days before, feeling the connection, the kiss goodbye, holding hands on the couch. Non-verbal communication, remember flirting? Send a sexy text, or a fun picture.
As Emily Nagoski puts it – there is a distance between you and your partner and it’s a crowded space full of porcupines. Work out what these porcupines are, and minimise the space so you get to skin on skin.
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Focus on things that have worked in the past.
Rediscover what got your motor ticking when things were good. Often the engine stops running because we don’t take the time to nurture and maintain our relationships. We expect them to function in top gear without adding the petrol needed to run us. [link Maintaining Healthy Relationships]
Think back to a time when things were good sexually. What can you do to reignite the flame?
I know you thinking, but I’m keen, why must I put in the work, I show her/him how keen I am by finding him/her a turn on and wanting her/him sexually. Trust me, I hear you, but tackle the issue from every angle if you really want to find a solution.
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How do you feel about yourself?
Sexual desire is closely linked to how we feel about ourselves, emotionally, mentally and physically. If you don’t like yourself, it’s a hard sell to get your partner to like you and it could be causing you to subconsciously push others away. Rediscover you, change what you don’t like, celebrate what you do.
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Change it up.
Mix things up a little, different times different places, different toys, different positions, in short have some fun already. Do something you don’t usually do. Leave a note on the pillow, wash the dishes if it’s something you always leave to your partner, make breakfast together on a lazy Sunday. Find when you both have the most energy. Cause let’s face it, life can be an exhausting pressure cooker, sapping us of all our vitality. Start with the small things, the big things will get easier.
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Ditch the guilt
Don’t feel guilty or ashamed if you want sex or put upon if you have a lower libido.
If you are really not in the mood, and totally exhausted, don’t immediately feel put upon when your partner looks at you with pleading eyes. It’s all about attitude. See it as a way to connect, even if not by having sex. Why not suggest your partner plays next to you. You may not be keen to join in, but it becomes a shared experience rather than a quick wank alone in the shower, to ease the pressure. And in my experience, it usually does lead to the other partner joining in anyway.
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Discover Eroticism
Think bigger than the narrow definition of sex. What is erotic for you and your partner? Explore all the senses.
Eroticism is a state of being and a state of mind. Find it in places you don’t usually look. Gardening, dancing, music, art, reading, bird watching, the list is endless. Curiosity and imagination create eroticism.
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Compromise
This is a partnership, so both sides should make an effort. So you keen and your partner isn’t, don’t throw your toys…as it were… be gentle, be kind, it’s not only about you. This could be foreplay, perhaps not for tonight Josephine, but ‘long haul foreplay’ setting a buoyant mood for another time. And on the flip side… your head isn’t in the game, it’s been over a week, or whatever your timeline is, you can see that your partner is frustrated but honestly you just aren’t feeling it. Maybe a massage, a foot rub…think more than just penetration.
Find out how to trigger desire again. Not feeling like sex is actually normal and waiting for the desire may never happens. It becomes a chicken and egg scenario, which comes first? Prioritise sex and the desire will follow.
Because sex is not simply scratching an itch, it fulfils psychological and relational needs; you are not housemates, you are romantic partners.
We all have, as somatic sexologist Jaiya puts it, different erotic blueprints. If you have watched the TV series Sex Love & Goop, you may be familiar with this concept.
What turns you on, is potentially different to what turns your partner on. During the honeymoon phase these differences are seldom evident, but as time goes on, the differences can become evident. For some just the thought of a naked body, penetration, orgasm is what it takes, and these people need frequent sex. For others the senses need to be involved, or an element of erotic kink.
It might be time to explore what your partner needs to get into the mood. And the answers may surprise you. Perhaps they need anticipation…
And sometimes it does come down to a maintenance shag. But a maintenance shag without the attitude of a maintenance shag. So I’m not really in the mood, but let’s start slowly, kissing, holding, skin on skin.
Let’s be honest, how often have you been dragged to a function you didn’t want to attend and landed up having the best time. Have an open mind, who knows, allow yourself to be surprised, go on the journey, you may well enjoy the ride and the destination.
Most people who start out not so keen on having sex, report that they really enjoy it and wonder why they don’t do it more often.
If one person just needs a little time to get back on the bandwagon, that’s okay. Be patient. It is important to show maturity and understanding. If your partner knows how you feel and is aware of your needs, they will be grateful for your patience, love and care, while they reboot.
