How do you Mend a Broken Heart?Courage, Discipline and Time |
Just as we have unique fingerprints, so to do we heal in different ways. Some people can slam the door shut behind them, sever all contact and heal on their own. Others need to interrogate the details of their relationship, unpacking everything; a constant stream of messages and phone calls, desperately seeking clarity and understanding; talking through the minutia of every moment.
There is no right or perfect way to heal, and there is seldom a quick way. I compare the healing of a broken heart to a wound. The skin has to slowly graft together. It may seep, it may reopen after weeks, bleeding all over again, just when you thought it was almost healed. The layers of skin slowly and painfully knitting together.
Time is what it takes, sometimes a long time, even if the relationship was short lived.
But there are some key ways to speed up this painful process.
You cannot control how another person feels and loves. Just because someone fails to see your worth, it doesn’t make them a bad person, and it doesn’t mean you are unlovable. It simply means you were not meant for each other.
Whether you have chosen to end the relationship or are the jilted partner, there will always be a healing process.
It’s a misnomer to think that only one partner is left bereft and broken hearted.
After a breakup we often believe we are the only ones going through pain, the other person is doing just fine; posting their new fabulous life on social media (which we all know is full of fake BS) and has moved swiftly along. Please know this is seldom the case. Never underestimate the courage it takes to make a final decision to end a relationship. Yes, I can hear the retorts, ‘oh please he/she is a piece of rubbish….’ With a long list of all the conniving, cheating, weak, disrespectful, low life things they did, and I get it … you are hurt and in pain…but there are always consequences to our choices, which need time to heal. Nobody walks away without a scar.
The person initiating the breakup will often be left with feelings of guilt, over what they chose to do and failure, for walking away.
We could talk about the 5 stages of grief after a break up –
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, which are phases most people do actually go through in some form, not necessarily in that order and certain stages are revisited over and over again. I think it’s important to acknowledge these stages, which helps understand what you are going through, but this doesn’t necessarily help the hurt.
You are allowed to and you should acknowledge the pain, the loss, the rejection, the anger.
Cry, rant, and move through the process – as Emily Nagoski describes in her brilliant book, ‘Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life’ – ‘Emotions are tunnels: You have to walk all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end’
So how do we make sure we don’t get stuck and live the rest of our lives inside the dark tunnel, with anger bitterness and hurt?
I do believe there are 3 key fundamentals that if put into practice can help speed up recovery.
Courage Discipline Time.
Courage
This will be needed in bucket loads.
The courage to get up, get dressed, and get going.
A break up can lead to devastating depression, which in turn can cause debilitating inertia. It takes immense courage to love yourself again. Your routine is likely to feel out of sorts, uncomfortable, lonely, empty. Relationships shape us, and often we lose our sense of self within them.
When contentment is found in a relationship, it becomes habit to rely on that person for our happiness, even though we know we have to love and be happy with ourselves first and foremost. Take charge again, you have the power to make yourself happy again, it’s about rediscovery you.
We all know what we can and can’t put up with and we only hurt ourselves by putting up with things that are tearing us down.
Your routines will change, the space and time in your day will be different. Fill the space and find the courage to embrace this change.
Writing
This is a brilliant tool to kickstart new growth. Just 20 minutes a day – jot down your deepest thoughts, and not just the negative. You may be surprised to know that it is better to focus on the positives in the past relationship; don’t dismiss the relationship that was once so meaningful to you, rather acknowledge your effort, the love you shared and how your life was enriched. Don’t let anger control you. Anger is an important emotion to go through, but you cannot stay there, allowing it build up resentment like a cancer inside you.
Yes, I know easier said than done and holding onto what you may have believed was the perfect person is easier than forging ahead with different and sometimes deferred dreams. It’s about you now. What do you need to do to heal. You might retort – burn all their clothes and stab them in the heart, but that’s anger talking.
Let go of anger.
Listen to music
No not just the crushingly sad ‘breakup’ songs, tunes that also make your heart soar and give you a sense of positivity and hope.
Read
Lose yourself in a good book, take your mind away from despondent thoughts. Sometimes it’s hard to stay focused on the words and after 3 pages you realise you haven’t absorbed anything, but keep going, a good book will transport you to other worlds.
Go out with friends
But the right friends. Friends who support you, who won’t judge you and who can take your mind off the washing machine of thoughts. And when you feel brave enough, go out with other couples, celebrate their unions, acknowledge that love does work. As I have mentioned, staying in an acid state of anger will not make you feel better, an open heart of generosity to others can heal wounds. Try it.
Discipline
We don’t have control over everything in our lives – but we do have control over:
The thoughts we think
The images we visualise
The actions we take.
It takes tremendous discipline to take control of your mind and no matter how strong your body is, if it is not fuelled with a powerful mind; you will never be in control.
So sure – your head keeps filling with negative, sad thoughts –
‘I was such a perfect partner’
‘I devoted myself to her/him’
‘Why did s/he do this to me, I didn’t deserve this’
I could go on and on and round and round, much like the thoughts in your head, but until you have the discipline to take control you will remain forever stuck.
As the thoughts creep in and overwhelm – stop them. Change the thought, replace it with a new one, even if it’s a shopping list. You can only start to heal if you take charge of your mind. I’m not saying don’t acknowledge the past and feel the pain, I’m saying once you have done this find the discipline to take back your thoughts.
It won’t be easy at first, but keep at it, stop the negative thoughts and replace with different positive visualisations – see yourself happy, free, with another person if that’s your choice. And like anything, the more you do it, the easier it will become. We exercise to build fitness and strength – you don’t start by running a marathon, that takes months of training. It’s the same with your mind, it gets stronger the more you practice the discipline of positive thoughts.
Most problems aren’t solved with more thinking. You’ll find most answers in silence, in time and with a clear mind.
Exercise
This is the elixir for so many challenges we face and can be done easily, but takes discipline. I laugh at myself when I lie in bed arguing both sides. ‘Come on get up, go to gym, go for a run’ ‘but I did that yesterday, it’s cold, one day off won’t make a difference.’
Just do it, the benefits are exponential. Make it a routine. It will become easier the more you practice the discipline of it.
Time
Time is relative. An hour could feel like a lifetime when healing from a break up.
But there are ways to shorten that time, because the quicker you adjust to life without your ex, the quicker you can move forward.
Don’t stay friends with your ex.
It’s often tempting and initially may seem like a good idea. You parted on good terms, it’s fun to stay in touch, they were part of your life for 2,3 more years, I can’t just lose the friendship as well.
Well, you should, certainly for the foreseeable future. Research shows that staying friends is linked to more depression, jealousy and heartbreak and it will be difficult to find a new partner while remaining in this space. Down the line, maybe, when wounds have healed and one feels stronger. Many people are great friends with their ex’s… but not from the early days. And you may think it’s totally manageable, but wait until they find a new partner.
Get off social media.
I know really tough for some of us. The desire to stalk your ex may be temporarily gratifying but it’s another way to prolong the agony. You could hide or unfollow them if blocking feels too drastic. You need the time and space to heal and this is quickened with distance.
Don’t be tempted to go back to them.
You broke up for a reason and those don’t just disappear. It’s often the easier choice…they weren’t so bad, we have sorted out our differences, we still love each other; and the worst one…better the devil I know… Well, love each other at a distance with no messages, coffee meet ups, late night DM’s.
Of course some couples do eventually get back together, it’s not impossible, but without the time apart to understand who you are in all this, one can never make a clear decision.
Growing can be uncomfortable, but don’t give up. You are moving on from this part of your journey. Spread your wings and travel (literally if possible, in your heart and mind if not) to where you need to go to find new happiness.
Starting again doesn’t mean you failed. Maybe you finally worked out that things weren’t right the way they were and it’s time to make a change. That’s not failure, that’s growth.
The last hurdle is often closure.
Closure is not a given and you need to make peace with the idea that the closure you are looking for may never happen. To keep meeting, and phoning and trying to unravel the world of pain has its merits initially; but it’s more likely to keep the cycle of pain going. It’s certainly your right to try and get answers to what may well be a myriad of questions, but there comes a point when you have to stop. Each meeting will be like re opening the wound, picking at that scab. Closure ultimately comes with acceptance, and not necessarily all the answers. Acceptance comes with forgiveness. Forgive yourself, forgive your ex, no matter how long that takes…it will release you to start a new and invariably exciting adventure.
Learn to be done.
Not mad, not bothered, just done.
Protect your peace at all costs.
