Why do so many people fake orgasms?
And are there good reasons for faking?
Surely the answer to this question is a resounding no.
But is it that simple? And….
If you have been faking for years, is it too late?
I shall open the bets with my own confession –
Yes I have faked an orgasm before.
A very long time ago, but it happened, it was a conscious decision and I cannot say without 100% certainty I will never do it again.
There are a million reasons why you shouldn’t fake it, and these mostly come down to…
Cutting off your nose to spite your face.
It’s an act that should be intimate and gratifying. Why not take the time to pleasure and be pleasured all the way to the desired happy ending? Sure, every sexual encounter doesn’t have to end in an orgasm, it can be about enjoying the connection and pleasuring your partner, that’s great, but then why fake it?
So why did I fake it…even just once?
I was in my early twenties, single, he was 10 years older, married. I was not overly experienced but had enjoyed orgasms with another, both vaginal and clitoral; I loved them, I wanted them and they were always worth attaining, usually with no difficulty.
It was a Thursday afternoon, my flatmate was out; my lover had snuck off work to enjoy an afternoon of pleasure. We had played out this scenario often, and it had always proved to be loads of fun.
We exchanged the usual pleasantries and headed straight to the bedroom. Perhaps because he was a very tall and beefy guy, he had never been on top before. But on this particular afternoon we had decided to go missionary. I love the feeling of weight on top of me during sex, I feel enveloped. But for some reason, this fine Thursday afternoon, I just wasn’t feeling it. Instead of enveloped, I felt overwhelmed by his grunts, his sweat, and yes…the crushing weight. He made no effort to hold himself and instead just slowly flattened me further and further into the mattress. I could see he wanted to cum, but was holding back because he was waiting for me. And in that moment, I thought…
If you want this to end, fake it otherwise he may never get off me and I may in fact suffocate to death. So I went for it. It was easy; I simply recreated what I knew usually happened. We ‘came together’ writhing in ‘orgasmic’ ecstasy.
In this case it wasn’t worth communicating how I felt, or investing the time and effort to make missionary work. He was married, we had some fun and as my friend says…the end.
I had, what I felt, good reason to fake and I did.
So why do people fake?
And is it for your own benefit or for the benefit of your partner?
Many women and some men fake for their partner’s sense of enjoyment and satisfaction.
Everyone feels better when the ‘job’ gets done properly and the satisfaction box is ticked for both people.
I get that, on one level, it’s simply the easiest solution. But where does that leave everyone? The guy believes he is pushing all the right buttons to get his woman to cum, so he isn’t likely to change what he is doing, because what he is doing brings his partner to climax, or so he thinks. She doesn’t want to admit that for weeks, months, possibly years she has never had an orgasm with him. And now…well it’s too late to admit it!
Many women believe a lack of orgasm is their doing.
They are frigid; they should cum easier, faster, harder. For others sex is mostly for their partners, a compromise which doesn’t make them unhappy, but is really neither here nor there.
Jane doesn’t like sex at all, so it makes no odds to her if she fakes. Her husband is satisfied, thinks she has been satisfied; she isn’t looking to open a can of worms and is happy to let sleeping orgasms lie.
Sandra fakes with her husband, but when she is alone, she pleasures herself to orgasm. This arrangement works very well for her. I asked her why she has never taken the time to explore her orgasms with her husband?
It’s nicer on her own, and she gets the job done, to her satisfaction. And when they are together, she is happy for him to cum, she enjoys the connection, and simply isn’t looking for more.
Faking is deception. It’s lying to your partner. Okay I know this may be taking it too far, but what’s to stop other deceptions creeping in…yes, it’s not doing anyone any harm, and mostly leaves guys believing they are a stallion in bed, satisfying their woman’s every need. But without sounding overly dramatic, it does mean that the sex life is based on a lie. No one wants to admit that.
Men fake as well.
This is not as common or as easy since men produce semen on orgasm, but it happens and mostly for the same reasons women fake –
Men want the act to be over and they don’t want to hurt their partners feelings.
There are also couples that don’t cum every time they have sex, not just women, but men too. There is honesty in this.
A couple I regularly chat too, love the physical connection, enjoy turning each other on, feeling each other sexually, but sometimes, that’s where it ends.
Neither of them cum, but there is a warmth and connection they can’t achieve any other way. Yes, they are both older, and achieving orgasm is not always easy. But nobody is faking, or pretending. It’s an honest moment of love.
I don’t believe it is ever too late to achieve orgasm with your partner.
If it’s a new relationship, and it’s worth keeping, then take the time to learn what you and your partner need to achieve orgasm.
When you are having sex guide your partner, in dialogue and in action. When you meet someone new, the puzzle is not already built. You may need to move some pieces to make them fit perfectly to finish the picture. And be you, we are all different. Some people achieve orgasm at the thought of sex, others need more. Are you a clitoral orgasmer or vaginal or both? Do you like one orgasm or many? Do you love to kiss, is foreplay important?
Your uniqueness makes you you, embrace it, explore it and enjoy intimate pleasure with your partner. Don’t let your insecurities diminish your orgasmic finish, chances are your partner has insecurities too.
You may think if you have been with your partner for 5, 10, 15 or more years, there is no chance of changing things now, but the good news it’s never too late. If opening the conversation with ‘Honey I have never had an orgasm during sex with you’ seems a step too far there are other ways of finding the big Oh with your partner.
We all change as we get older, the positions that ‘worked’ (even if they never did) may no longer be doing the trick; agility, flexibility, health, child birth, all play a role in how we enjoy orgasms.
Sarah used to love sex in the spooning position and she (really) used to be able to orgasm this way, but now in her 40’s her lower back can’t arch the way it used to so it no longer works for her.
Melanie was never into anal sex, she would occasionally oblige, but it wasn’t her thing. Now since childbirth and in her late forties she loves anal and double penetration and can cum this way.
Missionary position was Natalie’s go to for sex. She admits she has never been sexually adventuress and never came during sex. It always took her what she felt was too long so she never stayed the distance, explored variations and hung in there. Now with 3 children and in her thirties, she has started exploring other positions and finds when her partner stimulates her clitoris while penetrating doggy style she really, and for the first time can orgasm during sex. She admits that she never told her husband that she was only now experiencing orgasms; time, maturity and the realisation that she didn’t have to cum in 3 minutes to make him feel good, have changed sex for this couple.
These stories are proof that it’s never too late.
Of course like many people I know, there is love and happiness and connection, just no orgasms. In which case, as you were…
